Shots Fired in Myanmar Assembly, Reporters Scattered, Delegates Applauded

World News

By Chief International Correspondent

NAYPYIDAW, Myanmar — Earlier today, ethnic ministers took over the Myanmar Assembly. Sources told Komsomolskaya Pravda that the defense establishment orchestrated a brutal coup that resulted in the resignation of the Foreign Minister and the executions of the President and Vice President.

Just as journalists gathered for a conference in the Assembly, armed gunmen took control of the committee while delegates applauded. At least three shots were fired in the room with a weapon resembling a semi-automatic machine gun. None of the reporters were harmed.


Foreign Affairs, Lenin Affairs, Love Affairs (Russia 1917, Part III)

Featured Article

By Chief International Correspondent

PETROGRAD, Russia — Please join us as we continue to travel through history.

Moments before the news broke, handwritten notes and secret leaks started pouring into Komsomolskaya Pravda’s newsroom. Different conspiracy theories started to emerge. Everyone could feel the tension in the air.

Lenin had died.

The great Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov Lenin, leader of our Revolution, had died.

As expected, news media from all over the world (some of them traveling from the future) bombarded the Council of People’s Commissars. “The communist movement must live on,” said one of the delegates when asked by the press, “so we are taking on collective responsibility.”

But in fact, things were not as smooth as it sounded. Several sources, including the Commissars of Agriculture and Telecom, revealed that there indeed was a secret plot to “remove” Lenin, and to assume command of the republic through the power vacuum. Sources all pointed to the notorious Commissar of Foreign Affairs as the culprit, who remained awkwardly silent during the press conference and debates.

It was unclear whether the Commissar of Foreign Affairs tried to kill Lenin, diminish his power, or just take advantage of the power vacuum. What was sure to Pravda was that there is dangerous whirlpool of Commissars in the council who were attempting to suck the power and authority out of the democratic institution and to become the new “Communist Tsar.” At the center of the whirlpool was the Commissar of the Navy, who claimed to be an “ally” of the traitor. He tried to justify this by mentioning the last will of testament of Lenin, the existence of which had never been confirmed. He also implied that he might take control of the navy altogether, without having to take orders from a Lenin-like commander-in-chief.

During the tough times, some pretty weird things happened in the Council. With notes, papers and directives flying around, rigorous debates filled with personal attacks, it seemed like the battle of the Revolution all over again. One delegate even shouted to the press that the death of Lenin should be covered up (consider the irony). There were also unsubstantiated rumors that the Commissars of Railway and Social Affairs were romantically involved; this is just one more problem for the Navy Commissar.

Amid the crisis, there were still reason for hope — the Communist spirit. Case in point: this would be the last time that Pravda used the dateline “PETROGRAD”, because the commissars decided to change the name of the city to Leningrad in honor of the late leader. What a noble gesture! Also worth noting, the commissars said with a single voice that they “will not lie to the people,” which reaffirmed the core of the communist movement. Nevertheless, with Austria being annexed by Germany, and the communist parties in China, France and Canada still in the buds, the Council has many other things to worry about. Komsomolskaya Pravda would like to say thank you to the hardworking commissars: stay hopeful, stay humble, stay vigilant, and beware of traitors.

Corrections & Amplifications for Jan. 27

Corrections & Amplifications

By Chief Standards Editor

A Featured Article titled “Russian Resurrection (Russia 1917, Part I)” contains an unfinished sentence. The sentence should read “Most of our readers know that we were the official newspaper of Komsomol, the youth wing of the former Soviet Communist Party.”

The same Featured Article also failed to include the correct dateline, which should be “PETROGRAD, Russia –.”

An Editorial article titled “This is the Problem with U.N.” mentioned the presiding officer’s ban on “profanity and personal attacks in notes.” It should be clarified that such notes referred to by the presiding officer were addressed to the unnamed crisis staff, not individual delegates or the dais officials.

A World News article titled “Killers of Hostages Still Unclear, Myanmar Assembly in Crisis Mode” quoted the Chinese Ambassador to Myanmar for her appearance before the Constituent Assembly of Myanmar, with which a Komsomolskaya Pravda correspondent was embedded. It should not be confused with her later appearance before the press, which is also mentioned in the article.

Readers are encouraged to alert Komsomolskaya Pravda to any errors in news and opinion articles.

Within and Without (Russia 1917, Part II)

Featured Article

By Chief International Correspondent

PETROGRAD, Russia — We continue our coverage back in history on the Council of People’s Commissars, just after the October Revolution.

On the walls of the committee room were four pieces of paper, detailing military, agricultural, foreign and economic issues. The one titled “Foreign Policy Problems” was surprisingly blank! Did the delegates forget that there was a Great War going on? Enemies from both within and without must be dealt with properly or the new regime would not survive.

Take some advice from the old Tsarists — the double headed eagle. One head looking east, another looking west, always vigilant.

Stay tuned for our continuing coverage.

Russian Resurrection (Russia 1917, Part I)

Featured Article

By Chief International Correspondent

Komsomolskaya Pravda is tracing our roots!

Most of our readers know that we were the official newspaper of Komsomol, the youth Our investigative correspondents are going all the way back to 1917 to witness the Council of People’s Commissars and their socialist wonderland. The beginning years of the Soviet Union weren’t its best, but the hardworking delegates were putting the people’s dreams into action. In the cold and dim conference room, the delegates were battling the hardest economic, social and political conditions. However, there was a happy and sincere smile on everyone’s face.

“We are not motivated by greed or ego,” said one delegate proudly to Komsomolskaya Pravda, “Inflation is under control, and communism is spreading to the farthest corners of the earth.” The old Tsarist disaster was no more, and a new Russia — a people’s Russia — has come to life!

The delegates did have some concerns about the future of the young Socialist Republic. Issues like the balance of industry and agriculture and the effects of World War I were being discussed. Nevertheless, with the power of the people, their best days were still ahead.

Stay tuned for our continuing coverage as we travel through history!

This is the Problem with U.N.


By Komsomolskaya Pravda Editorial Board

This is a Pravda Opinion Piece.

These pages have long argued that the U.N. has, over time, become a bureaucratic and pedantic organization serving no one but the elites. This year’s Economic and Social Council sessions have proven that to be true.

Take the International Atomic Energy Agency (IAEA) for example. They jumped straight into the discussion of the Iran Nuclear Deal, with the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action and several Security Council resolutions as foundation, to pave the road for the peaceful use of nuclear energy in Iran. Think that’s what they did? Psych! They turned on the committee’s full-on attack mode. “Bomb Iran” Agency would have been a more accurate name. The delegates themselves are also a mess, to the point that the presiding officer had to vocally ban profanity and personal attacks in notes. To make the situation even worse — Iran isn’t even allowed to participate in the committee, not even as an observer! As of the time of publication, no Iranian government representative has spoken or written to IAEA. How can the committee allow this! How can the delegates tolerate this! President Trump of the United States, a vocal opponent of the U.N. establishment, was able to somehow make a cameo appearance, while Iran has been denigrated to a position inferior to that of a criminal — at least a criminal has the right of due process and representation.

The western capitalist giants are so arrogant and superfluous that they don’t even realize their own mistakes. In the Committee on Narcotic Drugs, it is left to the delegate from Botswana to point out the deficiency in the documents such as the unreliability of some so-called non-governmental organizations, the issue of funding, and the lack of specificity. Believe it or not, the Economic and Social Council even has a permanent body called the Office of Outer Space Affairs. Having immense power and political support, the committee is exclusively designed to debate about “out of the world” issues while ignoring problems in the real world. In addition, the Office of Outer Space Affairs overrides countries’ sovereign right and authority over their own space program, and will lead to nothing but a massive global tax to fund their wildest dreams.

At its inception, the Economic and Social Council is designed to create friendly discussions and benefit ordinary citizens. It is now straying further away from its purposes. Enshrined in the U.N. charter is the expectation to “practice tolerance and live together in peace with one another as good neighbours;” this cannot be achieved without a systematic reform of the U.N. institution and a thorough refreshment of the delegates’ mentality.

Killers of Hostages Still Unclear, Myanmar Assembly in Crisis Mode

World News

By Chief International Correspondent

NAYPYIDAW, Myanmar — 3 Kachin men were arrested near the China-Myanmar border in connection to the deaths of the Chinese hostages. Under unknown circumstances, the suspects confessed to being instructed by the governing party NLD to murder the hostages and to framing the KIO, which is an advocate for ethnic minorities.

Also publicly claiming responsibility is the FKP (Freedom for the Kachin People). According to sources, the FKP is an extremist splinter group of the KIO and is fully capable and willing to conduct such killings.

“As far as we know,” said the Chinese Ambassador to Myanmar in an unscheduled appearance, “the FKP did it. They are responsible for the deaths of Chinese citizens.”

The Assembly remains divided on determining which party is the culprit, while the delegates navigate through other issues and try to steer the Assembly in the right direction. The atmosphere in the round-table conference room is intense, as finger pointing and personal attacks are common especially among delegates opposing the current administration. “You have lied to this country for years!” said one delegate loudly to the President during an unmoderated caucus.

In an interview with Komsomolskaya Pravda, the Shan delegate expressed his concerns. “I am a patriot,” he said undoubtedly, “while I recognize the President’s authority, I do not agree with her [on issues].” He also pointed out that the “defense establishment” has been unpatriotic. His suggestion is that the federal government should delegate more authority to the local states and municipalities so that the KIO and its splinter groups can be dealt with more effectively.

Despite the attacks, the current administration is strongly and vocally supported by many, including the Chin delegate and even the Chinese government. When asked by the media, the Chinese Ambassador seemed hopeful regarding the future of their bilateral relations, as an energy partnership between the two Asian nations may be on the table.

Although flooded with all kinds of information and updates, delegates remained calm and focused on issues during most parts of the conference (although they did debate about “Mars landing” for a brief moment for unclear reasons). Regarding the future of the Assembly, patriotic duties should outweigh ideological differences. As the President of Myanmar so eloquently put it, “This is what we need in this country, unity!”